30-07-06

Spreading the news...

Yesterday my father brought home the kids. I felt tense all day because I knew I had to tell him about the new treatment. I hate doing that because I can see the worry in his eyes when I do so and I've always been protective of him, probably unnecessarily and too much, but that's the story of my youth. A story still waiting to be told.

The kids were around all the time and there was no chance to speak. When he was halfway through the frontdoor on his way out and the kids were out conquering their part of the garden,he took me aside for a moment and asked what the results were. I said: not good. He said: I saw. Seems I'm easier to read than I thought. I always see myself as being able to hide my emotions if necessary and keeping strong, but apparently my eyes tell a different story. My niece told me the same when we first met again. That I look very good and happy but my eyes tell a different story of grief and sorrow. There's no twinkle in it, she says, no matter how hard I smile.

Maybe that's true.Maybe I try to be too strong and in doing so, shut out all others. Maybe I'm avoiding conversations about the new results because I don't want to break down in tears. As if there is any shame in being sad about it. For most of my young life I had to take care of myself and do things on my own. It's not easy for me to ask for help or even to accept help offered without feeling guilty. Asking for help is like admitting I failed in my responsibilities as a wife and a mother. Asking for help is like admitting I cannot cope. Asking for help knowing there is nothing I can do in return, makes me feel a loser, lazy and self-centered. Asking for help is giving up my independence. I often feel unworhty when people try to help me and sometimes I find myself in total disbelief. Why would they do that for ME?

I've learned a lot of lessons on this voyage but it seems there is still much more to be learned...

11:46 Gepost door Anneke in Anneke | Permalink | Commentaren (6) |  Facebook |

Commentaren

Bijgelezen. Ik heb de blogs de laatste tijd schandelijk verwaarloosd.
Net bijgelezen.
Fuck is alles wat ik momenteel in het engels kan bedenken...

Kus, en een troostende hug.
Kaatje.

Gepost door: kaatje | 30-07-06

niet te geloven hé maar vaders kennen hun dochters hoor en is er een andere keuze dan sterk te wezen? door te gaan? geloven,? en positief te denken? neen we moeten verder voor diegenen die naast ons staan.

Gepost door: willy | 30-07-06

Why would they do that for you? Because you deserve it, because they love you, because of many other reasons, that's why. But no need to say that I perfectly understand your feelings because I feel completely the same. Don't want to loose control...

Gepost door: Elly | 30-07-06

bijgelezen My holiday has come to and end, updated my blog and had the change to look to my other favorites. So sad to read you'll have to go to chemo again.... but if het gives more time and maybe a very little change of stagnation or recouvery i would take it with both hands.
Take care have a great holiday aldo your thougths will be wondering off ... I think a lot of people care about you.
And aldo it's true te wired, i would like to send a little elf towards you to take care an guide you trough ruff time's

Love and huges
L & Co

Gepost door: Lain | 30-07-06

*** Isn't that what true friendship and love is about: giving to those who need it and taking when in need of it, without feeling guilty?

I hope you may have a nice holiday.

Hug!

Gepost door: Aude Audenda | 31-07-06

Why they'll do that for ME? Weet je, anneke, probeer snel te leren om iemand de gave van het geven te gunnen en zelf de kunst van het krijgen te kennen. Het is zo mooi voor allebei! ;-)

Gepost door: Elveebee | 03-08-06

De commentaren zijn gesloten.