Sink, sank, sunk, ...

This morning I woke up with a feeling of panic. Suddenly it dawned on me that in a few weeks time I will feel tired again and sick and will have to spend most of my waking hours in bed or on the sofa for X months. Not that I'm not willing to fight but the simple thought of chemo drives me nuts. If I close my eyes I can instantly recall the feeling of cotton wool in my head, the diziness, the trembling of my legs, the shortness of breath. Looking throught the window at the sun, I was thinking how good I am feeling now and how awful it is to go to hospital and let them make me feel like shit again. I wouldn't mind doing chemo, if it only weren't so bad. The worst part of it is the fear of pain and being sick again and not knowing how long that will last. It's harder when you have had chemo before because you know what awaits you. You know you will not be able to look after the house and the kids and you know there's nothing else to do than look around and think about things to do if and when you're feeling better.

Doctor said I don't have a choice, which makes it even worse and even more out of my control. But in the end she's right. However hard this goes against my rebel nature: I don't have a choice. Not really. Because I am too much a coward for taking another way...

10:28 Gepost door Anneke in Anneke | Permalink | Commentaren (4) |  Facebook |


=^..^= hummmmmmmm... I understand completly how you feel..... bweuuuuurk..... my last chemo - I TRULY HOPE SO - on tuesday!!!!!

verdorie gij schrijft goed engels zeg!!!!!

Gepost door: Talleke | 29-07-06

hi there... in English then? ok... I'll try... ;-)
while reading your last few entries I couldn't help wondering what it was that struck me the most... the fact that everything sounds so familiar or your last sentence about being too much of a coward to take "a decision"
what can I say? been there, tried that... but then I'm pretty sure things like that won't help even for a minute or two
that nobody who's had chemo before feels happy to start again? yeah well... cliché!!
but is there anything else? I don't really know, not even after all these years
maybe it's the years that make it harder? too much "been there, done that, didn't help" to think about?
keeping yoursef busy might be a good strategy for a while
if it helps you keep painting
and you know
keep writing and so on, well actually all I wanted to leave you was a BIG hug, but it turned into quite a bit more :-))
anyway, just to make sure you got the message: BIG HUG
I'll drop in every now and then (hope you understand my flem-enlgish...) so "see" you soon or not so soon but see you anyway!
(en nu is het echt tijd om af te sluiten...)

Gepost door: an | 29-07-06

en toch moet je erdoor hoor met vallen en opstaan en inderdaad de vrees, maar je red het i know

Gepost door: willy | 29-07-06

This has nothing to do with cowardice! There is no other option, at least not a feasible one I think. On the contrary, you are STRONG, trying to remain positive time after time. Which chemo will you get? Maybe the side effects are more "tolerable"? Sending you a big hug and some virtual courage.

Gepost door: Elly | 30-07-06

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